Since childhood, I have been a person who knows no frontiers. If I wanted something, there used to be nothing between me and that thing. Well, almost we all are like that. Sri Ram wanted the Moon. Sri Krishna wanted makhan. I often wanted misri. We all got that – Gods and human beings, at least in their childhood, share the same expertise of being adamant. With age, the body grows and so does the human mind. However, what we easily ignore in the delight of growth is that our responsibilities also grow with our physique and mental abilities. However, perhaps, that is the growth we don’t want to acknowledge. ‘We’ strictly means human beings. It doesn’t have to do anything with Gods because they very well know their purpose behind descending from the heavens to our earth – our worldly earth – our emotional earth – our tormenting earth!

 

Poetry of parting - I am eternally yours, M!

 

So, when the responsibilities begin to appear in our school bags (I never took one to school more than 2-3 days; I studied in a government school for the larger part of my academic initials), we are told to take care of it – TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT. Most of us obey and try to do our best. Once we are done with the basics of our education and pass the board examinations, we are sent to colleges. As soon as we try to skip that page called responsibility when picking up that one or those two books to our colleges, parents remind us of that missing chapter. Responsibility is there – there as well. ‘Do good in your college. Try to clear this exam. Try to become an officer. Try to get a job. Do your best and become college topper. Become an engineer and take us to a better life. Become a doctor. Become “SOMETHING”.’

Now, some of us do become something. Some of us, while ‘becoming’ something, ‘become’ something else. Then enters LOVE – rarely after we become something and mostly while trying with ‘becoming’. When did yours enter? And most of us end up frustrating our parents who never want us to ‘become’ something else while on the path of ‘becoming’. That’s natural. How can we take care of someone’s interests and life when we are just trying to become eligible for independence? Well, it’s to be thought by all those who feel parents are always against our love stories.

IMPORTANT:
There are some people in the world who believe sex to be an integral part of love. Most of us do and that is natural. Then, there are some people who believe sex to be above that emotional part called love. Well, sex-starved or maniacs, you may say that. And well, well, well, the people who only trust each-other after fucking, go fuck yourselves before believing ‘yourself’!

And before you read further, a question for all of you. How many of us are responsible in love? How many of us the importance of being responsible to someone being loved? If someone you love tells his or her part of the story, some compulsion or something that hinders a marital union (do people even care to get married these days?), do you understand that? If the reason is genuine, how many of you can calm your nerves and let it pass? Think!

Continued and thus begins…

Now begins the story of my life. Sorry to drag you down here; however, wasn’t that interesting story of your life too? Apologies, I cannot kill the storyteller in me!

I did feel the attraction part. I felt attracted to someone. I did feel that thing was love but that wasn’t, I learnt that later. Biology plays an important part in our lives and most of us feel that something we are into, is love, in early teens or in the latter part of it. I feel, now, that love can only be understood once we are done with the kiddish emotions and the games of attraction that our mind and hormones play with us. So, my love story begins when I BECAME the thing I am – an independent person – earning, living and responsible. But, perhaps, the only mistake WE (She & I) made is that She is from a different world to me and I am from a different world to her. I will not expose this twist in the tale too much but I guess that most of you must have known it already.

Love is blind. It indeed is when it comes to being pragmatic and analyse the scenario. By the way, who falls in love after doing the basic mathematics? None of us! And if someone does that, bring him to me if he or she claims to have been in love. So, riding on that blindfolded horse of romance, WE moved a few gentle steps, knowing all along that it’s not going to bear fruits any day! WE love each other and will continue doing so. We are, however, separate now. We realise how painful it is for us. But the pain that our union might bring to someone very close to her, someone who took all the pain to bring her to life, is much greater than ours. So, to save a life, we lost our dreams. To save a soul, we tormented ours.

Now, the question is, is everything really fair as far as it’s love? No, Mr Shakespeare, not at all! In war, it might fare well. However, in love, we certainly need to be more responsible. Love does not teach us to take lives. War follows a religion to kill. Love is about compassion even for the enemies. To bring union, love cannot kill. And if it kills, it’s NOT love. So, unknowingly, and with disdain, She became my Radha. Though I cannot become my revered and incomparable Krishna ever in all my destined birth-cycles, I take pride in her maturity; I will always do it.

The Confession:
Did we do the right thing? Didn’t we sacrifice just all? I often think about the days when I just got what I wanted. Here, with everyone’s agreement on my side, I cannot get someone I want. In those days, my parents denied at times – cost, use, validity or the effect of that thing on me. Here, even with my parents’ agreement (and I am very proud of them for understanding that false pride is never above true happiness of one’s children), I cannot get someone I want so badly, for the first and last time in my life. It feels just like Krishna himself coming to me and ordering to make this sacrifice that seems just taking away my soul and commanding me to live just normally. How could I? Though I have been, almost a week now. It’s finally realised and we have turned our ways. We understood that what seemed settled and done and glee has suddenly turned into sad, horrible and morbid.

The Way Forward:
Still, I have to live; I have to live normally. When I look back, those 17 months of my life are full of memories. We smiled together. We laughed together. We wept together. We walked together. We saw our dreams together. We ate together. We read together. She is and will be forever, one of my best critics and certainly the best among those best ones. Sometimes I feel like done and just wish everything collapses ‘this’ moment and I become free of this guilt of living without Her all my life from here. However, because we promised each other to remain stronger, I have to become strong and that’s it.

For all of you who want to badly ask me – is my heart broken? No, sir! No, ma’am! My heart is one-piece and it very well carries out its biological and emotional functions. Why should my heart break? We lived the best of our days together and that’s fuel enough to keep my heart burning all my life. For the teenagers who are feeling bad because someone dumped or had a breakup, brothers and sisters – if you are dumped or had a breakup, you are kids and you will be glued very soon. Just because you or that person doesn’t feel like going together and you guys part your ways, that was just trying out a suit that doesn’t fit you. Don’t call that love and insult all those who have died or almost died for LOVE.

Because I am grown up, 28, and I understand what it was – Love, I certainly cannot be with another. As she often says, our love feels like having a frooty after a long walk in the Sun… and I have this frooty with me all my life.

And dear heartbroken people, if you think your heart broke because someone left you, hold on – you were not in love. If your ways parted because you both understood and realised some bigger pains than your union, you should revel in the goodness of purity of that love. Yes, you guys can fall in ‘love’ again if you believe love to be your ‘fuel’. At times, parting is more love than being together and if you have lived this part, you will understand the beauty and poetry of it.

And to you, M:
You have me so much to remember, my dear M! I will be yours only, forever! And the world might not see a ‘sunrise’ ‘tomorrow’, you know that thing for certain – I love you so much!

Forever in your heart,
Alok